Thank you Neil. I never thought of the overlap of patience and stubbornness, I like that a lot. And I agree, better to swing and miss than to not swing at all. Thank you for reading and for your comment
Thank you for sharing this essay James. I think the stubbornness that your doctors' had mentioned can also be seen as patience. The stubbornness sounds almost like the doctors' impatience at your own patience if that makes sense.
That's a great point you make as well re: "Better to try and fail than to wish you had." A great motto and something to live by each day.
James, all your creatures have the most thoughtful and beautiful eyes. I found myself nose to nose with the computer screen, just trying to get closer to them. I appreciate thinking that you were there and they were with you. Even with the zoomiest lens, they knew you were there and they trusted you. Keep telling your story. in kinship, Katharine🌱
A fine essay, James. Many of us have to deal with loss at some point in our lives. For you, it happened early, which is not easy at all. From what I read, you have and are dealing with "what could have been" very well. Determination and hope is an asset in this battle of life and for life. And the birds are, for me, the greatest giver and symbols of hope.
Thank you Perry. Birds are indeed wellsprings of hope. When you are facing loss in whatever form, the birds are always there being themselves, putting everything into perspective
They are very important to me, thank you. I believe things only improve if you are patient and do the right things, so I’m patient and get out there to use my eyes as “exercise”—plus putting an eye to the viewfinder you use one at a time, so taking photos hasn’t posed issues in that way. Thank you for the kind words about my photography.
I keep coming back to this, James. Seeing you up there—in the sun—standing on the back of your truck—amidst the photos of you in the hospital. The strength of Spirit in you is very moving. Thank you for sharing your experience and your love of Life.
Thank you so much Ann, for reading and your kind comment.
I have a post this week about my big year, 2024. I didn’t want to make it about the tbi so don’t explicitly say this in it, but it was a big reason to do one. Convinced I was at rock bottom in 2023, I couldn’t think of a better way to remember all there is to love about life than to take the start of a new year as a reason to see and count a bunch of birds.
Thank you for sharing this essay, which must have been hard to write. I admire your perseverance- and that 'stubbornness' is in my view a good quality that helps us get through life! Also, I enjoyed your quotes from your grandpa- reminded me of things my grandpa used to say. Thanks for your essays and beautiful photos!
Over time I've been thinking about what I like so much about your writing, and this piece encapsulates a lot of it. It's very real, thankfully so. Almost blunt, but not at all an uncomfortable edge. I usually feel refreshed after I've read one of your essays, whether about ferns, birds, or your own inner journey. It's a great gift that you are sharing. And in this piece there was a lot that landed for me. I laughed out loud at the "fresh out of fucks" - especially the "writing this initially caused me to worry, but I'm fresh out of fucks." I need that. And - I know a number of other friends who are writers who would likely plaster that quote over their workspace. Your perspective on your journey with TBI, the way you balance what-is with looking forward into possibility, is inspiring. Also, I'm glad to see that picture with the osprey and the fish again.
Thank you so much for that kind feedback about my writing. "Almost blunt" is a big compliment, seems to suggest all the pros of bluntness without the cons. Thank you so much.
All writers have to be fresh out of fucks to a degree. Or they have to be prepared to live with the fact that they might've withheld something true because they gave a fuck. I want to share the perspective this journey gives so people can gain it without having to go on this journey. That Osprey photo is one of my all time favorites I've taken, so I use it whenever I get the chance. Thank you, Emma.
“All writers need to be fresh out of fucks to a degree. Or they have to be prepared to live with the fact that they might’ve withheld something true because they gave a fuck”
Words to live by James, I’m going to do my best. Thanks for that.
I always love your writing James, but it feels really special to be an audience to you sharing some of your more personal stuff, opening up more and still writing so beautifully about it. There was a delicious sense of unfurling (like a fern) in this, thank you for sharing it.
Navy Seal, saloon owner, and rancher--and that mustache! People say my eyepatch pairs well with my beard when it gets long, as it is now (I grow one for the colder months). I'd be in good company.
That is a great and flattering fern comparison! I will definitely write more of the personal stuff, but still first and foremost birds, though birds can be personal. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Sarah. Eagerly awaiting your big greasy duck personal essay.
Learning the challenge of holding awareness of what you know you used to be able to do effortlessly, and to now have effort required and at the same moment remember the feel of the old must be insane pressure. As must be the dating someone new who never knew the before you.
The desire to be seen includes being able to have someone know both aspects of your history, plus the understanding how the memories and constant challenge are exhausting, and I can only imagine heartbreaking.
I’m sensing something beyond stubborn, it feels closer to tenacious to me (?) which probably includes stubborn. I have felt this many times when I have been told I can’t do something, and I respond with “watch me” and a big grin of my self knowing.
It’s that old song, “anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything you can do too”.
While you might not always be able to add the “better” aspect, you’ve surely retrained you’d body SO much it’s amazing and you CAN do most anything you’ve set your mind to.
Thank you Teyani. There’s definitely a lot of pressure, but I always try to tell myself small potatoes, it is what it is, don’t focus on wishing it wasn’t. I also think of a song, largely comes down to refusing to do what one is told, and tbi tells me not to do things and it falls to me to refuse and do them. Neuroplasticity is certainly amazing in allowing my body to relearn so much. All about patience and positivity. Thank you for reading, Teyani.
“The hardest part is saying goodbye to how things were while moving forward.” 🤍 Happy to know you, James & have witnessed a bit of your moving forward.
I appreciate when you write these essays, James. As a fellow meathead, I will never say that I "get" what your TBI is like, because I don't. My first instinct was to think like a meathead: you failed? that's how you get better! But a brain isn't like muscle, not really. I may have started out with childhood injuries that made powerlifting and MMA very tough for me, but I didn't have neurological ones, and I've read enough Oliver Sacks to know that they aren't insurmountable, but they are not the same as other injuries. It's good that you still fish to be with people. Because as a meathead, sometimes we do things with a hyperfocus on improvement, when they are about a bunch of things. Fishing and working out are also social activities, not just about perfecting our bodies or abilities, and it's easy to miss that, sometimes.
Thank you Thomas. You will understand, then, how people don't realize the complexities that come with a meathead way of life. "Meathead" is something of a misnomer, but I've come to love that term.
Working out and fishing are both ends in themselves, but can also be means to the end of spending time with people. Fishing is easier for me to see as social, since a lot of it is often me teaching other people to fly fish. Working out took a little longer, but once I got Tom Platz out of my head ("you have to achieve failure to win!!") it got easier.
Thank you Neil. I never thought of the overlap of patience and stubbornness, I like that a lot. And I agree, better to swing and miss than to not swing at all. Thank you for reading and for your comment
The two do go together!
Thank you for sharing this essay James. I think the stubbornness that your doctors' had mentioned can also be seen as patience. The stubbornness sounds almost like the doctors' impatience at your own patience if that makes sense.
That's a great point you make as well re: "Better to try and fail than to wish you had." A great motto and something to live by each day.
Patience is a good one Neil!
James, all your creatures have the most thoughtful and beautiful eyes. I found myself nose to nose with the computer screen, just trying to get closer to them. I appreciate thinking that you were there and they were with you. Even with the zoomiest lens, they knew you were there and they trusted you. Keep telling your story. in kinship, Katharine🌱
Thank you so much Katharine. I do love the feeling of being trusted by a bird—and they have such wonderful eyes.
James, I have a great deal of admiration for you. Please remain adamant and determined -- or my favorite synonym, tenacious.
Thank you Pamela, your affirmations have been a reliable source of help. I love the word “tenacious” too!
A fine essay, James. Many of us have to deal with loss at some point in our lives. For you, it happened early, which is not easy at all. From what I read, you have and are dealing with "what could have been" very well. Determination and hope is an asset in this battle of life and for life. And the birds are, for me, the greatest giver and symbols of hope.
Thank you Perry. Birds are indeed wellsprings of hope. When you are facing loss in whatever form, the birds are always there being themselves, putting everything into perspective
Love this James. I don't think you have to separate the personal from the birds - there is much overlap I suspect!
Thank you Susie! There is certainly plenty of overlap and i plan to write more often about it.
I'm glad.
First thing I thought was: eyesight. For vision, observance and photography obviously are very important to you.
Your photos are brilliant. Just wow!!!
They are very important to me, thank you. I believe things only improve if you are patient and do the right things, so I’m patient and get out there to use my eyes as “exercise”—plus putting an eye to the viewfinder you use one at a time, so taking photos hasn’t posed issues in that way. Thank you for the kind words about my photography.
I keep coming back to this, James. Seeing you up there—in the sun—standing on the back of your truck—amidst the photos of you in the hospital. The strength of Spirit in you is very moving. Thank you for sharing your experience and your love of Life.
Thank you so much Ann, for reading and your kind comment.
I have a post this week about my big year, 2024. I didn’t want to make it about the tbi so don’t explicitly say this in it, but it was a big reason to do one. Convinced I was at rock bottom in 2023, I couldn’t think of a better way to remember all there is to love about life than to take the start of a new year as a reason to see and count a bunch of birds.
Mmm…”to remember all there is to love about life” 💛🔥
Watching my family member navigate TBI aligns with your experience. Self-trust is probably the hardest. Best wishes on a continued recovery.
Thank you Cindy. Self-trust is a big TBI hurdle that doesn't get enough attention. Best wishes to your family member's recovery.
Thank you for sharing this essay, which must have been hard to write. I admire your perseverance- and that 'stubbornness' is in my view a good quality that helps us get through life! Also, I enjoyed your quotes from your grandpa- reminded me of things my grandpa used to say. Thanks for your essays and beautiful photos!
Thank you Cody. Grandfathers tend to be sources of great wisdom!
Over time I've been thinking about what I like so much about your writing, and this piece encapsulates a lot of it. It's very real, thankfully so. Almost blunt, but not at all an uncomfortable edge. I usually feel refreshed after I've read one of your essays, whether about ferns, birds, or your own inner journey. It's a great gift that you are sharing. And in this piece there was a lot that landed for me. I laughed out loud at the "fresh out of fucks" - especially the "writing this initially caused me to worry, but I'm fresh out of fucks." I need that. And - I know a number of other friends who are writers who would likely plaster that quote over their workspace. Your perspective on your journey with TBI, the way you balance what-is with looking forward into possibility, is inspiring. Also, I'm glad to see that picture with the osprey and the fish again.
Thank you so much for that kind feedback about my writing. "Almost blunt" is a big compliment, seems to suggest all the pros of bluntness without the cons. Thank you so much.
All writers have to be fresh out of fucks to a degree. Or they have to be prepared to live with the fact that they might've withheld something true because they gave a fuck. I want to share the perspective this journey gives so people can gain it without having to go on this journey. That Osprey photo is one of my all time favorites I've taken, so I use it whenever I get the chance. Thank you, Emma.
“All writers need to be fresh out of fucks to a degree. Or they have to be prepared to live with the fact that they might’ve withheld something true because they gave a fuck”
Words to live by James, I’m going to do my best. Thanks for that.
To this day, the coolest person I've ever seen in real life (a bar-owner in Marfa, Texas. I spotted him in Killers of the flower moon years later. https://www.texasmonthly.com/arts-entertainment/ty-mitchell-cowboy-killers-of-the-flower-moon/) was sporting an eye-patch, so count me on team eye-patch too.
I always love your writing James, but it feels really special to be an audience to you sharing some of your more personal stuff, opening up more and still writing so beautifully about it. There was a delicious sense of unfurling (like a fern) in this, thank you for sharing it.
Navy Seal, saloon owner, and rancher--and that mustache! People say my eyepatch pairs well with my beard when it gets long, as it is now (I grow one for the colder months). I'd be in good company.
That is a great and flattering fern comparison! I will definitely write more of the personal stuff, but still first and foremost birds, though birds can be personal. Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Sarah. Eagerly awaiting your big greasy duck personal essay.
Thank you for this update on your health James.
Learning the challenge of holding awareness of what you know you used to be able to do effortlessly, and to now have effort required and at the same moment remember the feel of the old must be insane pressure. As must be the dating someone new who never knew the before you.
The desire to be seen includes being able to have someone know both aspects of your history, plus the understanding how the memories and constant challenge are exhausting, and I can only imagine heartbreaking.
I’m sensing something beyond stubborn, it feels closer to tenacious to me (?) which probably includes stubborn. I have felt this many times when I have been told I can’t do something, and I respond with “watch me” and a big grin of my self knowing.
It’s that old song, “anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything you can do too”.
While you might not always be able to add the “better” aspect, you’ve surely retrained you’d body SO much it’s amazing and you CAN do most anything you’ve set your mind to.
Keep on James, keep on 💫
Thank you Teyani. There’s definitely a lot of pressure, but I always try to tell myself small potatoes, it is what it is, don’t focus on wishing it wasn’t. I also think of a song, largely comes down to refusing to do what one is told, and tbi tells me not to do things and it falls to me to refuse and do them. Neuroplasticity is certainly amazing in allowing my body to relearn so much. All about patience and positivity. Thank you for reading, Teyani.
“The hardest part is saying goodbye to how things were while moving forward.” 🤍 Happy to know you, James & have witnessed a bit of your moving forward.
Thank you Victoria, for reading, for commenting, and for sharing your writing & art with the world.
You were a good encourager.
Thanks for these great pictures, and I wish you a full recovery.
Thank you Diana, I am glad you enjoy the photos I share.
I appreciate when you write these essays, James. As a fellow meathead, I will never say that I "get" what your TBI is like, because I don't. My first instinct was to think like a meathead: you failed? that's how you get better! But a brain isn't like muscle, not really. I may have started out with childhood injuries that made powerlifting and MMA very tough for me, but I didn't have neurological ones, and I've read enough Oliver Sacks to know that they aren't insurmountable, but they are not the same as other injuries. It's good that you still fish to be with people. Because as a meathead, sometimes we do things with a hyperfocus on improvement, when they are about a bunch of things. Fishing and working out are also social activities, not just about perfecting our bodies or abilities, and it's easy to miss that, sometimes.
Thank you Thomas. You will understand, then, how people don't realize the complexities that come with a meathead way of life. "Meathead" is something of a misnomer, but I've come to love that term.
Working out and fishing are both ends in themselves, but can also be means to the end of spending time with people. Fishing is easier for me to see as social, since a lot of it is often me teaching other people to fly fish. Working out took a little longer, but once I got Tom Platz out of my head ("you have to achieve failure to win!!") it got easier.